Germy Letter Lost in the Mail

This letter was found unopened in the supermarket cleaning aisle.

Germ Committee
Human Body, Suite Flora
All Over, World

ATTN: Germ Fearing Shoppers

On behalf of the Germ Committee, I, Mike Robe, wish to inform you of the discussions held in our recent meetings. It has come to our attention that some of you haven’t a nice thing to say about any of us, yet according to the latest memo from The Immune System, you’re refusing to acknowledge the benefits of maintaining a relationship with us. We’re not all bad. Even Chairman Flesh Eater approved this attempt at communication — not because he wants to find another “in” but because it troubles his heart to see you all spraying your babies in the face with bottled bleach. Seeing as how our committee is mostly comprised of bacteria, we don’t usually ask for much from a virus — er, humans — but we need your help and understanding.

Mike Robe (center) at Illness Convention, held at ATM Keypad

Let the Bugs in…

Can you please explain why it is that you’re grossed out by shopping cart handles but not by eating food from the fly festival — er, salad bar? We’re not overly concerned with your use of publicly placed anti-bacterial wipes — and your sneeze guards are a joke — but because we work in conjunction with The Immune System, we have agreed to broadcast their Public Service Announcement: “Let some bugs in, keeps the buggers out.”

But it’s just like you humans to wipe out entire populations of “undesirables.” Look, just because some of us pal around with E. coli doesn’t mean we approve of his actions. How would you like to be blamed for all of the atrocities of your associates? Your colleague purchases the “services” of adolescent boys during yearly trips to Thailand but that doesn’t mean you would do the same, right? You see, by wiping all of us away, you’re eliminating your soldiers along with the nazis communists insurgents.

Your “Quick Fix” Mentality is “Long Time” Stupid

We find it interesting that you always think newer is better and that you insist on replacing the simple solutions with newfangled, disastrous fixes. Just admit it: If it weren’t fashionable to smell like tropical fruit oatmeal soaked in vodka, you’d still be washing your hands with plain old soap and hot water. If it weren’t for your susceptibility to advertisements that feature beautiful Betty Beaver chasing cartoon germs away from her counter, you wouldn’t be spending your hard earned money on every wipe and spray cluttering the cleaning aisles.

We also find it entertaining interesting that you cling even harder to these products with each news release on drug-resistant strains of bacteria and ever-increasing rates of illness. With indoor air pollution being worse than that of the great outdoors, what could possibly be the reason behind the increasing rate of asthma? I don’t know, but you better spray your counters with some more noxious chemicals (just in case germs have something to do with asthma).

Colds Aren’t Going Anywhere

Why the aversion to Common Cold? I’ll be the first to admit that she doesn’t know when it’s time to leave — just ask the Committee’s janitor! — but we’ve learned to embrace her, and so can you. Because as much of a snot as she is, you couldn’t ask for a better friend to have when it comes time to needing an excuse. She’ll get you out of work, school, babysitting, family reunions, a colonoscopy…. So why do you always run to the doctor for antibiotics? Trust me, you cannot get rid of her by popping a few pills, but what you can do with your stockpile of antibiotics is fuel the resistance.

The Resistance is Growing

We’re willing to take a hit for the sake of natural balance, which is why we’re writing you today. While you’re drowning us with ‘cillins and moist wipes, the ones who escape are hiding away to re-populate their communities with inbred mutants. You get a taste of those fellas every so often with staph infections, swine flus and other minor annoyances, but we’re the ones who have to live with these guys every. single. day. Imagine being stuck in a NASCAR crowd wherever you went — that’s what we’re dealing with now. And you can’t reason with these guys.

Me: Hi! Uh, this ATM keypad? Yeah, a couple of us are gathered here today from the Unwashed Hands Society for the Illness Convention, and–

Mutant: Grmph

Me: — and, we reserved this space on number 7.

Mutant: (thrashing wildly, swinging his mullet) Y’all wanna fuck?

Me: Uh… no. We’re meeting here for a seminar on probiotics… um, the point is that this is our space. Okay?

Mutant: Y’all wanna fuck?

Do Your Part

So, we’d really appreciate it if you went back to regular soap, hot water, maybe some vinegar, and the occasional bowl of chicken soup; otherwise, we’ll all be running from these mutants, only to find that there’s no safe place to go. Really, it’s a win-win situation to have a partnership here. The Immune System wishes to host an occasional convention to ensure their soldiers are properly equipped with armor and artillery, and because the armed forces need translators, it’s good to let a few of us live.

Infectiously Yours,

Mike Robe

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